אם עייפתן מכל תמונות השלמות המשפחתית הדביקות, הכתבה הזאת תבוא לכן ממש בטוב: סיימון הופר, אב ל-4 בנות (9, 6 ותאומות בנות 10 חודשים) חושף בתמונות וכתיבה שנונה וקולחת את ההתמודדויות האמיתיות, המשפחתיות היום-יומיות שמגיעות עם 4 ילדים. כלומר, ילדות.

Is it only me or do all men learn to sleep on an 8 inch strip at the edge of the bed? Irrespective of the size of the bed, or how many people are in it, I always find myself relegated to the 'man zone'. I've become so used to sleeping on this limited area of bed real estate, that I'm confident that I could sleep on top of a wall & not fall off. On the other side of the bed (the promised land), @mother_of_daughters sleeps like a star fish all night long, kneeing me in the back and generally complains about me coming to bed too late, being too cold or my foot encroaching onto her territory. At least the bed's nice and warm, even if the reception isn't sometimes! I hope that next Sunday, on #NationalLieInDay, I'll not only gain another hour in bed, but more space – but it's doubtful ! If you want to regain that hour (and some space for that matter) click in the link in my bio, loads of great prizes to be won @SimbaSleep #bedrealestate #livingontheedge #girls #twins #daughters #therestoomanygirls #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #gopro

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on Oct 23, 2016 at 12:00pm PDT

why is it that as soon as I come through the front door, I'm immediately forced to strap on my 'parenting UN' flack jacket & hard hat and dive into conflict resolution mode? Anya and Marnie are locked in a long, drawn out battle over the disputed lands of the sofa, the sovereignty of the blanket and who has rightful ownership of the much sort after SKY remote control. Sanctions are put in place to relieve the tension but both sides are showing little willingness to back down. The situation escalates – heated worded, threats to hostages safety (soft toys, clothing, sweets). The result – the TV going off and remote is hidden (in the cutlery draw). During all this Ottie played the role of Switzerland and didn't get involved. Ban Ki-moon could learn a thing or two from me. #wheredoyouhideyourremote #UNparenting #whyamialwaysinthemiddle #familyconflictresolution #adadsworkisneverdone #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on Oct 20, 2016 at 12:42pm PDT

Clemmie gave me a pretty simple job this evening – "go pack the baby bag" (we're going away for a night). A plan developed in my head (why can't I take anything seriously?!) I called her in – "well you said pack the baby bag!!", expecting a laugh. She didn't. I then suggested cutting holes in the bottom for their legs to hang out like those dog carriers but @mother_of_daughters was already less than pleased that i'd used her prized leather @kerikitbags for lols, so with my tail between my legs, I repacked. A shed load of nappies, baby crack (milk powder), toys they won't play with & a monitor – There was still enough room for half my family in there! #bottomlessbabybag #mobiletwins #howmuchstuffdobabiesneed #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on Oct 28, 2016 at 12:09pm PDT

כמו השלב שבו אין לך מושג איך לענות על מבול שאלות סופר אינטיליגנטיות שמגיעות מכיוון הילדות שלך (מה נמצא בתוך חור שחור? האם יש סיכוי שדינוזאורים יחזרו? מי המציא את המשפחה המלכותית?), ואתה מודה בלבך לאלי האינטרנט, למקימי גוגל וממציאי ויקי, שמצילים אותך מהמיצר.

Marnie's synapses have been firing on all cylinders recently & have generated a torrent of mind bending questions. Rather than babble & give half answers, we employed Cortana to answer stuff for us as frankly my brain ached when she asked things like: What's inside a black hole? Who invented the royal family? What is a smell? How many people in the world speak dutch (why?) & could dinosaurs ever come back? (Thank goodness for Laptops like this from @curryspcworld – it's faster than my creaking grey matter and the battery lasts longer than my attention span). I returned from getting a cup of tea to find her staring at Netflix having folded the laptop in half (I didn't even know it did that). Guess her thirst for knowledge was satisfied so on to Spong Bob. Who knows, I might actually get some real work done on this @dell, but it's unlikely. #ithoughtshedbrokenit #outtechedbya6yearold #thirstforknowledge #willdinosaursevercomeback #quickerthanmygreymatter #kidsquestions #fatherofdaughters #ad # dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on Nov 19, 2016 at 12:25pm PST

או הרגע הזה שבו התאומות הופכות מצבים קטנים וחסרי ישע, ללוחמות קומנדו מיומנות וחרישיות, שזוחלות בקצב מסחרר לכל מקום בבית, ומייצרות לא פחות בלאגן מ"דבר 1" ו"דבר 2" האגדיים של ד"ר סוס.

The twins now get everywhere at the speed of light and with the silence of a assassin who got an A* in being quiet and sneaky. I took my eye off them for 1 minute and before i knew it they were doing bare handed maintenance on my bike chain. If there's one thing @mother_of_daughters hates, its oil, and the twins were covered in it. As was the floor. And the wall and the glass doors. The torrent of language that came out mouth turned the air blue. Guess that's the last time Im allowed to keep my bike inside. I'll be relegated to the shed with my bike tonight (after bathing the twins in swarfega). Tarpaulin Duvet anyone? #oilalwaysgetsmeintrouble #alot #ninjatwins #ifeeladivorcecomingon #twins #swarfegasavestheday #shedbound #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on Nov 17, 2016 at 1:04pm PST

השינוי המהותי בחיים מתבטא גם בהמרת השתייה בבר, הסממן המובהק של ערבי שישי בגלגול נטול הילדים של סיימון, לזמן הקבוע לטיפולים נגד כינים. אין מה לומר. מרגש וחגיגי!

There used to be a time when Fridays nights meant going out drinking with friends and waking up with a hangover that that would require surgery to remove. However Marnie came home today with the dreaded bi-annual "There are nits / lice going around at school" letter, so our Friday nights are now spent carrying out small scale genocide on colonies of unwanted scalp intruders. @mother_of_daughters & I will now spend the rest of the evening quietly observing each other to see which one of us start scratching our heads first whilst mentally cursing all children everywhere. Awesome. #betteryoustartscratchingafterreadingthis #fridaynightarentwhattheyusedtobe #parenting #keepingitreal #nits #dotheyevenhaveapurpose #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on Nov 18, 2016 at 1:02pm PST

ויש רגעים מסוימים שבהם אבו אל בנאת היה בהחלט מעדיף שהאדמה תפער פיה ותבלע אותו. כמו הרגע שבו ילדתו בת ה-9, שואלת אותו, בהמשך לשיעור חינוך מיני בבית הספר (בגיל תשע??), אם הוא משתמש בקונדום, ובעודו משיב בגמגום ותדהמה "כן" מונחתת עליו מכת המחץ בצורת השאלה "אז איך זה שיש לך כל כך הרבה ילדים?".

This week my eldest has been doing sex education at school. Shes very mature about it & having a midwife as a mum, they know a lot more than your average kid, no 'front bottoms' or 'nunnys' in this house, it's strictly a 'vagina' affair (which coincidently would be a great title for a drama series on TV) That said, she's chosen tonight (when @mother_of_daughters is away) to ask questions about men which makes me feel like an embarrassed child, but i promised to tell her the truth. My personal favourites – "do you wear a condom daddy?" Me – "Yes". Then why do you have so many children? Touchè. "Have you and mummy had sex more than 3 times?" I laughed proudly – "Way more……like at least 9 or 10 times" ( I didn't want to come across as a sex crazied maniac). Can wait to until she asks if I've ever masturbated…..I will actually curl up in a ball and die #sexeducation #shestheadultimthechild #sheknowsmorethanme #dontaskaboutmasturbationorilldie #ivedoneitloads #fatherofdaughters #instadad #dadlife #parenting

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on Nov 10, 2016 at 1:02pm PST

אז נכון, אולי סיימון הוא גבר במיעוט, אבל אם להודות באמת – הוא לא נראה ממש סובל. ובלי לסבול יותר מדי, לגייס 190 אלף עוקבים באינסטגרם זה לא עניין של מה בכך… אולי להיות אב לארבע בנות זה בעצם קריירה?

Tomorrow is international day of the girl and I, more than most, am celebrating. I might be heavily outnumbered and outgunned, but I'm celebrating because my girls are strong independent young ladies that are growing up in a world that they can do anything they put their mind to (with a little encouragement). We strive for equality and see women as equals (and in my case, as superiors!). That said, in many places girls are seen as second class citizens and have limited opportunities to reach their full potential. This has to change. Go kiss your girls goodnight & encourage them everyday to reach for the stars. Tag a strong girl and share. #mygirlswearthetrousers #daughters #dayofthegirl #girlsareequals #girlsarestrong #sisters #mygirls #girlsareamazing #beproudofyoudaughters #fatherofdaughters #instadad #dadlife

A photo posted by Simon (@father_of_daughters) on Oct 10, 2016 at 12:39pm PDT